Ephemeron

He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!

Archive for January, 2003

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Posted by Heather On January - 31 - 2003

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:

  • Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.
  • His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
  • She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.
  • She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
  • Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.
  • He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in
    it.
  • She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
  • He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.
  • The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
  • The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
  • McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
  • From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.
  • The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
  • Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
  • They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
  • John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
  • He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river.
  • Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
  • Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
  • Young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
  • He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
  • The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
  • It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.
  • He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
  • She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.
  • Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
  • Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
  • It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Popularity: 2% [?]

The Obnoxious Waiter

Posted by Heather On January - 30 - 2003

I don’t know why I find this so funny. This is my Obnoxious Waiter Pepper Grinder ™. My sister and I got him during a trip to Las Vegas. He says, “You’re breakin’ my neck” when you turn his head to the side. Now, if they only made an Annoying Waitress Whining Salt Shaker…
Click to listen:

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.


The Obnoxious Waiter

Popularity: 2% [?]

Tangerine, Tangerine, Living reflection from a dream..

Posted by Heather On January - 29 - 2003

I went to Costco yesterday and picked up a three pound box of tangerines called California Clementines. I’ve always loved tangerines, but these are even better because they are seedless!

Led Zeppelin – Tangerine Lyrics
Led Zeppelin III (1970)

Measuring a summer’s day,
I only finds it slips away to grey,
The hours, they bring me pain.

*Tangerine, Tangerine,
Living reflection from a dream;
I was her love, she was my queen,
And now a thousand years between.

Thinking how it used to be,
Does she still remember times like these
To think of us again?
And I do.

* Chorus

Some other random stuff I took pictures of:

Broken Bottle

Pinecone

Read the rest of this entry »

Popularity: 2% [?]

This-or-That Tuesday: Same Thing, Different Names

Posted by Heather On January - 28 - 2003

This-or-That Tuesday: Same Thing, Different Names

1. Kleenex or tissue? Kleenex.
2. Soda or pop (or tonic or whatever)? Soda.
3. A sandwich on a long roll: sub or hero (or hoagie or grinder, etc)? Deli sandwich.
4. Glasses or spectacles? Glasses.
5. TV or television (or boob-tube, or telly, for our friends across the pond)? TV.
6. Movie or film? Movie.
7. Sofa or couch? Couch.
8. Stove or range? Stove.
9. Remote control or clicker? Remote.
10. Supermarket or grocery store? Grocery store.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Heather Tested, Mother Approved.

Posted by Heather On January - 27 - 2003

If you’re ever really bored, and it’s late, and you find yourself laughing at the silliest things…then, The Advertising Slogan Generator is for you! Thanks again, Nancy. :)

  • Sometimes You Feel Like a Heather, Sometimes You Don’t.
  • Please Don’t Squeeze The Heather.
  • The Heather Goes Straight to your Head.
  • Absolut Heather.
  • Nothin’ Says Lovin’ Like Heather from the Oven.
  • So Easy, No Wonder Heather is #1.
  • Heather Comes to Those Who Wait.
  • Ring Around the Heather Gets Your Whole Wash Clean.
  • Where Do You Want Heather To Go Today?
  • Time for a Sharp Heather.
  • Tastes Great, Less Heather.
  • Gotta Lotta Heather.
  • Nothing Acts Faster Than Heather.
  • Just Like Heather Used To Make.
  • We’ll Leave The Heather On For You.
  • Never Knowingly Heather.
  • Cleans Your Floor Without Heather.
  • Heather Is Our Middle Name.
  • Keep That Heather Complexion.
  • Double the Pleasure, Double the Heather.
  • Come See the Softer Side of Heather.
  • Let Your Fingers Do the Walking Through the Heather.
  • America’s Most Trusted Heather.
  • Great Heather. Great Times.
  • It Takes A Tough Man To Make A Tender Heather.
  • I’d Walk a Mile for a Heather.
  • My Goodness, My Heather!
  • You Can Really Taste The Heather!
  • We’re Serious About Heather.
  • Get More From Heather.

Whoa, did I do enough of these????

Popularity: 2% [?]

PhotographyBLOG

Posted by Heather On January - 26 - 2003

Mark Goldstein has created a new website called PhotographyBLOG. He offers the latest photography news, his reviews and opinions, as well as his beautiful photographs.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Sunsets & Silly People

Posted by Heather On January - 25 - 2003

There was a lovely sunset this evening, so I went to the beach in Marina to take a few pictures. The light was weird and it was really misty, so my pictures didn’t turn out as well as I would have liked.


Sunset

There was a woman who insisted on standing too close to the waves during high tide. She fell on her face twice and ended up with a good soaking. I swear, it’s people like her who end up being washed away by a big wave.


Dumbass

Popularity: 1% [?]

Worms & Other Tasty Tidbits

Posted by Heather On January - 25 - 2003
  • A worm called W32/SQLSlam-A (also known as SQLSlammer, W32.SQLExp.Worm or Sapphire), * slowed the Internet a bit today in this country. The attack was far worse for several Asian countries, namely South Korea, where the Internet actually shut down for hours.
  • Laci Peterson is still missing and the other woman has been cleared. Has anyone checked out Gary Condit’s alibi?
  • Apparently the FBI is “interviewing” tens of thousands of Iraqi Americans.
  • The first round of smallpox vaccinations is scheduled to begin this week.
    Are you a high school dropout? Never fear..there’s always the undiploma!
  • No stop signs, speed limit
    Nobody’s gonna slow me down
    Like a wheel, gonna spin it
    Nobody’s gonna mess me round
    Hey Satan, payin’ my dues
    Playing in a rocking band
    Hey Momma, look at me
    I’m on my way to the promised land
    I’m on the Highway to Hell **
  • Giant fruits and veggies? That’s it..I’m going on a road trip.

* Source: Sophos Anti-Virus

Popularity: 1% [?]

The Three Things Survey

Posted by Heather On January - 23 - 2003
  • 3 things that scare me: Heights, fire, dying.
  • 3 people who make me laugh: William Shatner, John Cleese, Conan O’Brien.
  • 3 things I love: The people I hold dear, nature, my camera.
  • 3 things I hate: Clowns, cruelty, running out of coffee.
  • 3 things I don’t understand: U.S. foreign policy, the stock market, myself.
  • 3 things on my desk: Burt’s Bees lip balm, bills, HP Photosmart printer.
  • 3 things I’m doing right now: Multiple IMs on Trillian, drinking coffee, listening to Pink Floyd.
  • 3 things I want to do before I die: Get out of debt, have at least one completely stress-free day, go to Scotland.
  • 3 things I can do: Roll my Rs, finish crossword puzzles, make enchiladas.
  • 3 ways to describe my personality: Diplomatic, even-tempered (well I used to be anyway), conservative (not politically, though).
  • 3 ways to describe my looks: Blue-eyed, tall, redhead.
  • 3 things I can’t do: Grow a beard, sing basso, see well without corrective lenses.
  • 3 things I think you should listen to: Yourself, music, the sounds of nature.
  • 3 things I don’t think you should listen to: Mexican polka, bullies, your mother-in-law.
  • 3 things I say the most: I’m sorry, I love you, wtf?
  • 3 of your absolute favorite foods: Baked potato soup from Hops, the Warm Brownie Sundae from Ghirardelli, mango margaritas.
  • 3 things you’d like to learn: CSS, how to succeed, how to be a better person.
  • 3 beverages you drink regularly: Water, coffee, Diet Vanilla Coke.
  • 3 shows you watched when you were a kid: Star Trek, The Bionic Woman, Lassie.

Seen at Joy Unspeakable

Popularity: 1% [?]

Ewwwww!! What’s that smell?!?

Posted by Heather On January - 22 - 2003

Last evening, I commented that I thought I smelled a skunk. Well, the mystery has been solved. It wasn’t a skunk at all, but hazardous human waste! What a relief. Yuck.

Popularity: 2% [?]

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