Are you finding yourself fed up with your dull and monotonous occupation? Do you long to sail the high seas, living a life of peril and adventure? Why not become a pirate? What’s that you say? There aren’t any more such things as pirates? Nonsense! Pirates are alive and well in today’s society, and even you, the average individual, can aspire to become one. All you need do is follow the simple steps detailed in this official Pirate Primer and you’ll be on your way to the hallowed annals of infamy in no time! We, of course, assume no responsibility for any personal injury or failure to become a pirate incurred as the result of this primer, but that’s just a risk you’re going to have to take. That’s peril!
The first step is to get yourself a pirate name and have yours legally changed. In that there are only so many possible results to this quiz, we’re probably going to end up with a few like-named pirates, but that’s okay. Pirates are very traditionally inbred, and, if that excuse doesn’t work for you, you can always just call it an “homage.”
Download this* pirate theme song and come to know it by heart. It is a true anthem of what piracy is all about. It also happens to be pirated** music, so it’s doubly appropriate.
Go here and purchase a “deluxe” pirate costume. You’ll be wearing this for the remainder of your time on earth. Make sure you get the deluxe, as only it includes a keen hat and “boot tops.” Disregard the enticement to purchase a “French king wig,” however. Pirates have no need of such things!
Visit the nearest pet shop and purchase yourself a parrot. If you don’t have enough for the parrot after buying your pirate costume, buy two parakeets, stack them on top of one another, and hope no one notices the difference.
Next, you’ll need to part with a vital portion of your anatomy. Consult a friend as far as relieving you of an eye, hand or leg that might be replaced with a fashionable patch, hook, or wooden peg respectively. Resist the urge to overdo things, especially in regards to taking two of a kind, and be sure to have plenty of ‘Bactine’ handy. If you work around heavy machinery for a living, “accidents” of this sort can be arranged that your employer will pay you for. This is called extortion, which, if you’ll remember from the song, is an accredited pirate activity. You’re making progress already, arrr!
Speaking of which, you’ll now need to include “arrr!” in each and every sentence. In addition to that, you’ll need to begin acclimating yourself to the use of the following terms:
Mizzenmast
Keelhaul
Bilge Rat
Brazen Witch
Swabbie
Larboard
You need not know what they mean, as no pirate really does, but you’ll be expected to make thorough use of them in order to be viewed as legitimate. Just work them in randomly.
Now it’s time to acquire a vessel. Since every aspiring pirate wishes to be captain, resist the urge to join up, even if it means having to start small. A one-man inflatable raft should suffice at first, as pirates have no time to dabble in loans and pricing plans that might be necessary for the purchase of a larger ship. These can easily be attained from small children, whom your very appearance should strike fear into the hearts of. This, again, is where having purchased the deluxe costume pays off. Paddle out and hijack a rowboat or similarly-sized craft, working your way up from there. Just be sure not to attempt to commandeer the boats of fellow student pirates, as blood feuds are to be saved for later in your career.
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