Ephemeron

He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!

Archive for July, 2003

Roy Story

Posted by Number Six On July - 30 - 2003

Posted by Number Six I awoke the other morning to discover Roy Scheider waiting on my doorstep. Not the actual Roy Scheider, mind you, but a 1:16 scale representation forged in plastic and encased in a synthetic bubble atop an 8″x9.5″ blister card. Yes, that’s right, in spite of all his faults, Roy managed to find himself immortalized as an action figure thanks to his role as Captain Nathan Hale Bridger on the short-lived television drama SeaQuest DSV. That’s something he can tell Gene Hackman and a considerable number of other legitimate action heroes to stick in their pipes and smoke, as it’s a distinction they themselves have failed to earn. How does Roy stack up in the world of action figures, though? Can he establish an entirely new reputation and gain respect amongst his plasticized compatriots? I decided to put action figure Roy to the test.

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Here he is. Now, while the hip thing to do these days is to preserve action figures in their original packages for the sake of posterity and value, there is also to consider the fact that this is a piece of Roy Scheider merchandise, and not exactly the sort of long-term investment slated to put one’s child through college years in the future. Sadly, I don’t think even Roy Scheider himself preserved in a box would mean any guaranteed financial return. Anyhow, the action figure wouldn’t be of much use trapped in there, so out he came.

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An impressive likeness, I’d say. I’m not so sure about these accessories, however – they seem to have included a number of miscellaneous hunks of plastic posing as scientific equipment in addition to a spring-loaded rocket launcher for the sake of keeping the kids interested. Now, I never really watched SeaQuest when it was on, but I’m relatively certain the show’s premise did not involve Roy toting around heavy artillery, especially heavy artillery that happened to be colored bright yellow. So it would thus appear they’d attempted to compensate for his infamous lack of “attitude” before his figure even hit store shelves. These toymakers didn’t go into things blindly – they had scouted Roy well, and knew there had to be some consolation for the young boy waking up on Christmas morning to find Captain Nathan Hale Bridger under the tree. Just to keep this on an even playing field, I stripped Roy of these meaningless accessories and sent him out to test his interactions with the action figure competition.

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Roy first came across a troop of vintage Star Wars action figures. Their meeting began as a civil debate, with Roy taking credit for the first ever summer blockbuster in Jaws, and then Star Wars characters countering that Roy had been riding the outer space craze created by their films in 2010. Unable to refute their claim, Roy quickly turned things into a Pier Six brawl, overwhelming the otherworldly visitors with his slight size advantage and leaving them battered and beaten in his wake. He was unquestionably making a name for himself, but it appeared as though he’d be coming out of this with very few friends.

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Roy next stumbled upon He-Man, and, somewhat spiteful at never having been offered the role of a loincloth-clad barbarian himself, thoughtlessly challenged the most powerful man in the universe to compare biceps and prove his qualifications. As might have been expected, Roy was miserably outclassed and retreated in shame to nurse his wounded ego. It’s only fortunate that he hadn’t challenged He-Man to an arm wrestling contest instead.

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Popularity: 3% [?]

We’re #1!!!

Posted by Number Six On July - 29 - 2003

cheneyportrait Habitual readers to Ephemeron.net will undoubtedly recognize our continuing efforts to present the most detailed and current news regarding the whereabouts and activities of vice president Dick Cheney, a man otherwise shrouded in mystery and kept steadfastly from the public eye. And now, as testament to our enduring accuracy, whenever an inquiring mind asks a search engine, “Where’s Dick Cheney?” or simply, “Where’s Dick?”, Ephemeron.net* will stand as the foremost result, and, as always, the most reliable. We’d like to thank you for your support in making us the number one source for Dick Cheney updates on the internet.

*Update: This is no longer the case – not even close. It was just rather amusing at the time. ;)

Popularity: 4% [?]

Led Zeppelin – In the Light

Posted by Bill On July - 25 - 2003

Everybody needs the light…

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Led Zeppelin – In The Light from Physical Graffiti, 1975.

Led Zeppelin – In The Light Lyrics

And if you feel that you can’t go on. And your will’s sinkin’ low
Just believe and you can’t go wrong.
In the light you will find the road. You will find the road

Hey, ooh, did you ever believe that I could leave you, standing out in the cold
Hey babe, I know how it feels ’cause I have slipped through to the very depths of my soul. Yeah
Oh, whoa-whoa, baby I just wanna show what I’d give you it is from every bend in the road
Now listen to me
Oh, whoa-whoa, as I was and really would be for you, too, honey
As you would for me, oh, I would share your load.
Let me share your load. Ooh, let me share, share your load

And if you feel that you can’t go on
In the light you will find the road

Hey, oh, though the winds of change may blow around you, but that will always be so
Woah-whoa, whoa-whoa, when love is pain it can devour you, if you are never alone
I would share your load. I would share your load
Baby, let me, oh, let me

In the light
Everybody needs the light.
Ooh, yeah-yeah,
Ooh baby,
Everybody, everybody, everybody

Light, light, light, in the light
Light, light, light, in the light, ooh, yeah
Light, light, light, in the light

Lyrics borrowed from Led-Zeppelin.com

Popularity: 13% [?]

9/11 in the news

Posted by Heather On July - 25 - 2003

I received this link in an e-mail message this morning. It’s a 9/11 tribute called Remember the Blood of Heroes.

Yesterday, a Congressional Joint Inquiry Report regarding the/ terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001 was released. Here’s the CNN story.

CNN also reported that, according to a Die Ziet poll, there are a lot of Germans who believe that our government sponsored the 9/11 terrorist attacks. I went to the Die Zeit website to find the poll, but got distracted by headlines like “Greases feelings and chocolate luck” and “I am as you, only differently…” when I translated the page.

Dick Cheney referred to 9/11 during a rare public appearance to defend the war in Iraq. “Having lost thousands of Americans on a single morning, we are not going to answer further danger by simply issuing diplomatic protests or sharply worded condemnations,” said Dick. “The terrorists intend to strike America again. One by one, in every corner of the world, we will hunt the terrorists down and destroy them.” It sounds to me like Dick has been given another important mission.

Popularity: 7% [?]

Hard at work…

Posted by Heather On July - 24 - 2003

Roy Scheider and Dick Cheney enjoy lunch and piña coladas at Trader Vic’s.

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Popularity: 3% [?]

What’s for lunch?

Posted by Heather On July - 22 - 2003

When I’m cooking, I always go for quick and easy. Here’s a recipe I made up. It requires no added seasonings at all, unless you like things extra-salty.

1 T Olive Oil
Handful of Baby Carrots, halved
1/2 Yellow Bell Pepper, cut into 1-inch pieces
1/2 Red Bell Pepper, cut into 1-inch pieces
1 Crown of Broccoli, cut up into florets
1 Zucchini, quarted lengthwise, then cut into 1-inch pieces
2 Chicken Sausages (I used gourmet roasted chicken sausage with peppers and onions, but any kind of sausage will do.)
1/4-1/3 Jar Sun Dried Tomatoes in Olive Oil and Herbs (My very, very favorite brand is Bella Sun Luci.)
Chicken Stock (Make sure it’s either home-made or of really good quality. My very favorite kind is the Organic Free-range Chicken Broth from Trader Joe’s. It’s delicious, fat-free, and extremely inexpensive, too.)

In a wok (or very large frying pan with high sides), heat the olive oil on medium-high for a few seconds. Add the carrots and and and cook for a few minutes. Increase heat to high and continue cooking. Add chicken broth as needed and be liberal with it. Don’t let the pan dry out or your veggies will burn. Then add the peppers and broccoli and zuchini and cook for several minutes. Add the sundried tomatoes and sausage and cook until sausage is heated through. Serve as is or over rice or pasta.

Popularity: 3% [?]

Looking for Rickey in all the wrong places…

Posted by Number Six On July - 21 - 2003

Posted by Number Six Have you ever wondered exactly what the majority of people who visit Ephemeron.net via search engine come here looking for? Is it information regarding the beautiful photographs on our sister site, or the beautiful girl who takes them? Perhaps our reliable, up-to-the-minute news items in respect to the true whereabouts of Dick Cheney? Maybe the final vestige of information for the few remaining Roy Scheider fans? It seems as though these would all be valid answers, but they’re unfortunately wrong. No, the majority of visitors who find us through a search engine come here looking for Rickey Smiley.

Who’s that, you ask? You’ve never even seen any mention of someone by that name on these pages? Well, you might have, had you been keeping an eye on the “Recent Comments” section. You needn’t look too hard – they’re typically the ones characterized by stunted grammar and emphatic requests for complimentary mp3 files.
You see, Rickey Smiley is a comedian known for his prank telephone calls, and he did in fact appear on this blog some seven and a half months ago for a notably limited engagement. Of course, anyone who’s visited here on even a semi-regular basis knows it isn’t exactly the place to come seeking out further samples of Smiley’s material. And yet, despite the fact that the one file offered was removed some time ago, there still appear regular requests for more to this day, with replies directing people to his official website and shameless begging from Rickey himself seemingly having no effect whatsoever. In fact, I’m sure this particular entry won’t do the least to deter the constant appeals, and I’m really only writing it to draw attention to the humorous nature of the situation.

Smiley himself is somewhat to blame, however. Anybody performing a search and misspelling his name as “Ricky,” a mistake probably to be anticipated, will be led to an official site that doesn’t exist. Apparently Smiley’s publicist couldn’t figure it out, either. And when rickysmiley.com failed, one of the next best things was Ephemeron.net. Clearly, what Rickey needs to do is cut his losses and make his name easier to spell, especially for those amongst his fan base who seemed to be having considerable difficulty typing out so much as “hello.”

Rickey Smiley’s real site, for one last time, is http://www.rickeysmiley.com.

Popularity: 2% [?]

The Best Worst Song Ever

Posted by Number Six On July - 20 - 2003

Posted by Number Six In possessing a thorough and eclectic music collection one will inevitably come across any given number of songs generally held in high disregard by the general public. Being an individual whose Winamp playlist is occasionally graced by the likes of Glen Campbell, Paul Revere and the Raiders, and the Starland Vocal Band, I should know this fact better than most people. Even if they are considered infamously bad, however, there’s something about the absurdity of these songs that appeals to me.

One particular number that’s been a sporadic addition to my list for quite a few years now is Richard Harris’ MacArthur Park. Written by Jimmy Webb and first released in 1968 as part of the album A Tramp Shining, MacArthur Park is judged by many to be the absolute worst song ever recorded. MacArthur Park has also found its place as the grand epitome of nonsensical lyrics, which, when combined with high-pitched wailing and garish composition, had for years left thousands of radio listeners scratching their heads wondering exactly what they’d just heard. It thus comes as no surprise that Richard Harris – the same Richard Harris best known by modern movie audiences for his roles in Gladiator and the Harry Potter series – had gradually downplayed any connection to the song up through his death in 2002.
Which is too bad, since MacArthur Park was unquestionably his greatest accomplishment. Really, though – any song capable of eliciting a reaction like it did truly justifies its own appeal.

Plainly stated, MacArthur Park is an allegory for one man’s bittersweet recollection of and regret over an irretrievably lost love affair. How exactly the following lyrics illustrate that concept is probably best left to the imagination.

MacArthur Park – Richard Harris

Spring was never waiting for us, girl
It ran one step ahead
As we followed in the dance
Between the parted pages and were pressed
In love’s hot, fevered iron
Like a striped pair of pants

MacArthur’s Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don’t think that I can take it
‘Cause it took so long to bake it
And I’ll never have that recipe again
Oh, no!

I recall the yellow cotton dress
Foaming like a wave
On the ground around your knees
The birds, like tender babies in your hands
And the old men playing checkers by the trees

MacArthur’s Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don’t think that I can take it
‘Cause it took so long to bake it
And I’ll never have that recipe again
Oh, no!

[break]

There will be another song for me
For I will sing it
There will be another dream for me
Someone will bring it

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Popularity: 7% [?]

Richard Harris – MacArthur Park

Posted by Heather On July - 20 - 2003

Quite possibly the worst song ever recorded. ;)

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Richard Harris – MacArthur Park from A Tramp Shining, 1968.

Popularity: 9% [?]

Hot on his trail?

Posted by Number Six On July - 19 - 2003

Posted by Number Six After the shocking discovery last week of Dick Cheney having left his political duties in the hands of downtrodden actor Roy Scheider, I found myself naturally more than a little curious to know exactly where the vice president really was, and I finally received some insight into just that after being sent the memo below by an anonymous source. It may not specifically reveal his “undisclosed location,” but it certainly offers us an idea of what he’s been up to, and perhaps of why he hasn’t been invited to many social functions as of late.

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To: All Trader Vic’s Branch Managers
From: Lynn Bergeron, CEO, Trader Vic’s Restaurant Company
Date: 7/13/03

Re: Trouble with Mr. Cheney

It has recently come to my attention that we possess amongst our loyal customers a certain prominent politician and frequent world traveler by the name of Dick Cheney. Although Mr. Cheney’s patronage is unquestionably a testament to the persevering quality of our product, his presence unfortunately creates a number of adverse complications. Mr. Cheney possesses and obsessive fondness for our trademark piña coladas, and in his inebriated states he has a tendency to display notably destructive behavior, including but not limited to feral rages, the tossing of furniture, thorough use of profanity, and the occasional isolated blaze. Please keep in mind that we do not wish to eject Mr. Cheney from our establishments, for the catastrophes he presently invokes would be nothing in comparison to those which might occur were this company on his bad side. Instead, the purpose of this memo is to offer some helpful advice regarding damage control and minimizing losses incurred as the consequence of any aforementioned destructive behavior, in hopes that we might preserve our relationship with this customer as well as our lives.

1. Always avoid making eye contact when approaching the subject; address him in a calm manner and as “Mr. Vice President” (this applies to international branches also, as Mr. Cheney seems to hold little concept of location).

2. Play along with any delusions Mr. Cheney might currently be experiencing, such as claims of werewolfism or bionic superpowers, but politely decline any proposed demonstration of “eye lasers” or “hidden cruise missiles.”

3. Do NOT garnish Mr. Cheney’s drinks with the “pink” variety of miniature paper parasols.

4. Should Mr. Cheney at any point suddenly shout “WHERE’S THE HULA GIRLS?”, reassure him that they’ll be making their entrance soon. Of course, Trader Vic’s traditionally does not offer “hula girls,” so you may be forced to improvise in the event that Mr. Cheney is adamant in seeing them.

5. If Mr. Cheney is to lose consciousness at any time, refrain from attempting to disturb or wake him, as at this stage the darkly-dressed individuals who generally trail him from afar will move in to perform the extrication and pay his bill.

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Popularity: 4% [?]

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