After the shocking discovery last week of Dick Cheney having left his political duties in the hands of downtrodden actor Roy Scheider, I found myself naturally more than a little curious to know exactly where the vice president really was, and I finally received some insight into just that after being sent the memo below by an anonymous source. It may not specifically reveal his “undisclosed location,” but it certainly offers us an idea of what he’s been up to, and perhaps of why he hasn’t been invited to many social functions as of late.
Click to view larger.
To: All Trader Vic’s Branch Managers
From: Lynn Bergeron, CEO, Trader Vic’s Restaurant Company
Date: 7/13/03
Re: Trouble with Mr. Cheney
It has recently come to my attention that we possess amongst our loyal customers a certain prominent politician and frequent world traveler by the name of Dick Cheney. Although Mr. Cheney’s patronage is unquestionably a testament to the persevering quality of our product, his presence unfortunately creates a number of adverse complications. Mr. Cheney possesses and obsessive fondness for our trademark piña coladas, and in his inebriated states he has a tendency to display notably destructive behavior, including but not limited to feral rages, the tossing of furniture, thorough use of profanity, and the occasional isolated blaze. Please keep in mind that we do not wish to eject Mr. Cheney from our establishments, for the catastrophes he presently invokes would be nothing in comparison to those which might occur were this company on his bad side. Instead, the purpose of this memo is to offer some helpful advice regarding damage control and minimizing losses incurred as the consequence of any aforementioned destructive behavior, in hopes that we might preserve our relationship with this customer as well as our lives.
1. Always avoid making eye contact when approaching the subject; address him in a calm manner and as “Mr. Vice President” (this applies to international branches also, as Mr. Cheney seems to hold little concept of location).
2. Play along with any delusions Mr. Cheney might currently be experiencing, such as claims of werewolfism or bionic superpowers, but politely decline any proposed demonstration of “eye lasers” or “hidden cruise missiles.”
3. Do NOT garnish Mr. Cheney’s drinks with the “pink” variety of miniature paper parasols.
4. Should Mr. Cheney at any point suddenly shout “WHERE’S THE HULA GIRLS?”, reassure him that they’ll be making their entrance soon. Of course, Trader Vic’s traditionally does not offer “hula girls,” so you may be forced to improvise in the event that Mr. Cheney is adamant in seeing them.
5. If Mr. Cheney is to lose consciousness at any time, refrain from attempting to disturb or wake him, as at this stage the darkly-dressed individuals who generally trail him from afar will move in to perform the extrication and pay his bill.
Should you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to contact the Trader Vic’s management hotline.
Sincerely,
Lynn Bergeron, CEO, Trader Vic’s Restaurant Company
Flickr
Myspace
Twitter
RSS
Hi guys… i have a proposel…a while ago i spent alot of time hanging out at a certain online community called by games but im not there so much anymore… they are having an online writing competion… it can either be poetry, a short story/creative writing/any kind of story or a piece of real life writing… I dont know who here woudl want to enter but Number Six i know your an excellent writer… so anyone who would like to enter lemme know or post ur writing here… i can get you accounts and send u the link to post it… there struggling for entries so ive asked quite a few people… it should be fun and i so have to stop with the …’s
Dick can be a menace at times, but he doesn’t mean any harm. At least not to the patrons of Trader Vic’s.
He knows better than to bite the hand that feeds him piña coladas.
If we decide to serve piña coladas at Super Flying Salmonland, we’ll have to follow those important guidelines. We’ll have to give the waitresses hula lessons as well. Or we can just invite the Queen and her fish hips over.
Dick’s loyalty as a customer is unquestionably a mixed blessing, Heather. But I certainly agree that deep down he knows better than to cut off his supply of piña coladas at the source. I have it on good authority that he’s tried T.G.I. Friday’s variation and wasn’t at all impressed.
And we’d definitely have to be careful should Dick ever find himself a visitor to Super Flying Salmonland. In an intoxicated state, he’s liable to become confused and agitated by the laser light show, and there’s no telling how he’d react then.
Zoe, thank you for the compliment and for passing along the information.